Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Feeling down today...
Something i really need to come to terms with is that i am ultimately on my own in life. Yeah, we all have people that love us and are there for us but in reality the only person living my life and walking in my shoes is me. This has been hard for me to face. Wondering if i'm strong enough to go through hard times on my own when people start to turn their backs or get bored with the sheer long-term issues i go through. Its hard for people to understand that although everything seems normal on the outside i'm a big ol mess on the inside. For your average person who doesn't see blood or bruises it seems automatic to think someone is okay. Saying "i don't feel good, this doesn't feel right" or "i just don't think i can make it through work right now" after awhile may come off as lazy and gets old to people. You start losing the only people you can turn to and the world gets more and more lonely. I understand I make my happiness and I chose how my life goes and who or what I welcome into that life. But lately I feel like i'm losing that control and maybe I will never feel normal again and I just have to get used to feeling extremely crappy. Maybe this is my life now. I know at some point I need to just suck it up and put one foot in front of the other. I'm not sure if the people around me are aware of how I feel but the last thing I want to do right now is bore them with more of my antics. I was super excited to go out on Sat to a seafood buffet at the casino. thought it would make me feel better, i LOVE my crab and clams, etc.. but for the next few days after I felt like complete and total death. I learned since your thyroid tissue is the only tissue in the body to absorb iodine and I don't have a thyroid I probably took in too much iodine for my body to regulate. So not excited about that. I could definately use some success stories for encouragement and definately need my son to wake up from his nap and the love of my life to come home so i can smile. i don't like these days.
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I spent a lot of time feeling so down on the inside, and let's face it, with Cancer, you have to spend a lot of time CONVINCING your loved ones you're okay when most of the time, you're not... they need almost more soothing than you do, and some times I resented that, and felt angry, and felt far too guilty to even remotely tell them how actually terrible I felt at most all times, whether internally, mentally, emotionally or physically.
ReplyDeleteI know it seems trite, but I can tell you with utmost certainty, it gets better. After a while, either you get sick of yourself, maybe that's not a fair assessment, maybe it just came natural, my mind, body and soul all worked together to realize it was time to get up, to smile, and to let go. Letting go of the anger for having to experience this, the emotion for having to deal with it internally, the fear, because it does us no good, and look forward. My mum used to tell me "Fake it til you make it. If you pretend to be happy, eventually you will be." and to some extent, that works.
Just please remember to allow yourself these days. You have to allow yourself these days, some days you need to be sad, and angry, and confused. You're only human.
Also,
ReplyDeletehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lLAAFWQqKSs
Listen to this song. I dare you to feel sad, lonely, or scared after this. <3
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